Rambling thoughts - The story of a fat girl turned skinny

(Originally posted at myproana.com)

So why am I here?

I'm not anorexic, I'm not bulimic,

Although I wear an Ana bracelet every day

You can see my collarbones and my ribs

I hardly eat anything

I envy you!

I envy you your control

I envy you the fact that you don't have to worry that if you eat something you actually will get fat (although I know you think so)

It's like I'm an recovery alcoholic though with food

I love food

I love to eat food, smell food, make food, buy food

There's almost no food I would or could not eat - a lot of

I will finish a cake if you put it in front of me

I will eat what's left in the pan when we have dinner
I'll have a starter, a main course and dessert, and then I'd stop for coffee and cake, or an ice cream on the way home

I wish I wouldn't 

I wish I didn't have to fight every day to control my self. To fight every meal the urge to just have a little bit more to eat

I wasn't obese, but I sure was on my way

I'd tried every diet, shake, you name it, to loose weight

Then I found Ana

Or the way of Ana

The control of Ana

At first I pretended I really got Ana

I pretended I had to control my eating, that the control of food was controlling me

I finally started to loose weight

My BMI started to drop from close to 30 and slowly down to 25 - 23 - 21 - 19 - 18

And you all think now, look what happened to her!
She thought Ana was a good thing and now she really got Ana

She hung around places like this and now she's really become anorexic

I didn't

I still fight every day, every meal, not to loose control

If you place a cake in front of me today you won't believe the fight I have to take on inside to stop the urge in me from eating the whole cake

But I don't binge

A binge is a momentarily slip of control

If I loose control it won't be a momentarily slip. If I start eating I won't stop

I won't eat until I puke. I don't puke from food

I tried that in the beginning but I love food to much to throw it up

I can smell the food from the kitchen right now.
Fried onions and garlic.

I wish I could just eat normal and be happy

But I don't want to be the fat cow I used to be
I don't want to be out of breath after climbing a flight of stairs
I don't want to hear my doctors warnings that my hearth is in even more danger
I don't want to go to the bathroom and be afraid to see my self in the mirror because it depresses me

So I don't eat
That's why I'm here