Smile!

So if you've followed me on this blog you already know I'm an up and down person.
Thursday was a real down day, eventhough it was Halloween, which is a fun day...

Monday was an up day. Although it was a rainy grey monday.

Updays when my weight goes down and down days when my weight goes up.

And even my kids notice it. Although I try not to be too moodsick when I'm around them.

But I'm glad they know me and also as my oldest says when I'm in a bad mood... Are you sure you should eat that choolate mum, you're already grumpy *Ha Ha*

Monday's weigh in:
51,7 kg/113.9 lbs

Blæh!

I just downed 500 cals in about ten minutes - Yuck

And I've grown - sideways! Yuck

Meassured myself today. Thighs, hips, waist, chest, arms
All have increased

So has my weight :(
Back at 52,3kg /115,3 lbs

And I'm in a terrible mood right now - which can only be cured by a two step plan

1. Eat chocolate the whole day and feel unbelievably sorry about my self.
2. Use laxatives tonight and get rid of everything tomorrow and not eat for several days

And if my know my self right.... When I've lost three/four pounds and feel better...

I'll do it all over again
I'm so patetic

My other weaknesses

These are the things that make me fat

Some are easy to stay away from - like TGI Friday's and Starbuck - cause I actually have to drive to another city to get there....

Some are far harder to avoid....
Chocolate most of all

I love chocolate - in almost every shape, size and taste - except the really dark one.

And most of all..... This:

Slouching on the coach in front of the TV sipping cosmo and Asti

Work out! Me? WTF?

I - me - actually, and I'm not lying here now, although you probably think so - went for a run yesterday!!??

Well of course it wasn't by free will! Duh!

But as my daughter thought running in the dark, alone, was not a good idea...
I was the not so bad alternative

So I went with her. And actually ran. For 45 minutes!
So there you go! Even I can if I have to

My weakness

Some of you will probably not know what this is....

But freshly made NORWEGIAN waffles (they are not at all like Belgian waffles - those are to sweet)
With brown cheese (yes! goat cheese) and sour creme (can do without the jam though)

That wonderful smell when these are made - OMG

Say Whaaat?

Shit!
I haven't been here since august 28th? That's like two months ago!!

Wow! I know it's been hectic and all at work but I really didn't think I was that off.

To anyone that for some far fetched reason follows my blog - I appologize!
Although I'm not sure anyone does *haha*

Well - to let you know where I stand right now...
I just started a massive restriction week after weighing in at 117.9lbs on Sunday morning *gross*

I'm very happy to see it work and the face the number 111.9lbs on the scale today.

Which means I've gone from this:

To this:

I'm so proud of my self!!!

 

And the best feeling right now....

The feeling of my pants hanging loosely from my hips

Hectic days

Sometimes I wake up in the morning, think of what I'll do today at work, and that since it's Monday and I ate a lot this weekend I'll restrict more this week and finally loose those last pounds.
Then suddenly I realise it's already Wednesday, and I didn't restrict that much on Monday and Tuesday as I wanted to, because the days just flew by, and everything was so hectic and the scale hasn't moved at all and tomorrow I'll be in meetings all day and have lunch with a former colleague and there's no way I can get away with not eating there. And I already feel exhausted and can't wait for the weekend to come so I can sleep in the morning, and then I realise that means lots of food with my kids and family and I'll probably gain more weight and it all depresses me so much. I might as well give up and eat that bloody chocolate cause I'll never reach my UGW anyway!

PUH!
Life's so stressing sometimes, it's like a merry-go-round that I can't get off.

How the f#@k

Two and a half days of,  not binging,  but just eating a bit more than usual
And I mean just a bit more:

Friday 912 calories
Saturday 1464
Sunday 1738

And Sunday I even worked off almost a 1000 calories

And today it's like up 3,7 lbs since Friday morning
How is that even possible???

I'm not even sure the food I ate weighed that much!

God this is so depressing.
I mean I knew I wasn't going to lose weight over the weekend
And okay,  I could deal with 2 pounds up, but 3,7???
That's just mean :(

Addicted to myProAna

Jeez! I had no idea it was possible to get so addicted to a forum that when it one day isn't online it's like I have a huge craving that doesn't go away.

I so miss the forum and can't wait for them to be back online.

In the meantime I have been good although I ate more yesterday than I have in the last four days together.

But ended just above 700 cals
Not bad for a Friday

Today will be a bigger challenge not to go all crazy with food.  I've promised my daughter a trip to the mall and coffee at starbucks
Then dinner comes around for its share of calories and then there's movie time which certainly includes popcorn

And then a glass of something good to end the day with my hubby :)

Oh yes. Im sure the scale won't be nice to me tomorrow.

Well time to face it today
So hoping it at least hasn't gone up already.  Just stay put on 49.7 from yesterday will be a good start of the day :)

Well of course it wasn't down! 

But did it really have to be up 0.3 kg since yesterday? Depressing :(

Friday and ready for the weekend

Below 50kg today - WOW what an amazing feeling

Unfortunately/fortunately either way you see it... it's friday
Which means that I'll probably gonna up my calories, a little today, and some more tomorrow and Sunday and Monday I'll be complaining about gaining weight again.

So you are here by warned!!

But there's no way I'll be able to go through a weekend together with my family not eating.
And I (which is my weakness) just love food to much to be able to not eat when we have taco and share popcorn with the kids, so I'll just have to face it that even though I'm so close to my UGW today, I will have to work to get there next week too....

So happy weekend to you all - with or without food LOL

Best day in a long time

What a wonderful feeling to wake up, step on the scale and

WoHOO! 50kg!!


So motivated these days - feel I'll actually gonna reach it this time.

Stayed under 350 calories yesterday. So proud of my self :)



Then starts the real job - keeping the weight stable!

Panic attack over

So yesterdays panic attack over my body measurements has settled. A little.

I'm not sure where my head was when I did the measuring Monday evening, but I must have been pretty lost.

But then again - that was good news this morning.

Well, first off all I stayed under 300 cals yesterday that means I'm rid of this "don't give a shit weekend" at that feels really good. (I'll try to stay under 300 today too.)

And I re-did the meassuring, as I couldn't believe the numbers from Monday.
77cm around my waist?? And my pants feel loose, that doesn't add up.

And it didn't
So here are today's correct measurements :) 

A big improvement since yesterday
HA HA



Good to see I only have to loose 2 inches around my waist and 1 around my hips to be safely within the size zero

And also..... the scale showed 50.9kg/112,2lbs today.
Which means......
.....only 1,9kg / 4,2 lbs to UGW

I CAN DO THAT!!

Don't give a shit weekend

So to remove any doubt - if there ever was any!

No wonder people who don't give a shit get fat!

And if you choose to don't give a shit about what you eat for a whole weekend - you have to learn to not give a shit about your weight monday morning too!

Which I'm not good at!

So that means I have to pull my act together and make some serious changes

Also measured my self yesterday. Yet another dismal discovery!
I can't believe I have allowed my self to become this huge during summer.

I could cry!!! 6 inches around my waist??!!! How is that even possible!!

So I now have to loose at least 7 pounds, 6 inches around my waist and 2,5 inches around my hips, and 1 inch at least around my thighs to really get that thigh gap defined!

Let's get to work!

Yet another day in paradise??!! Or not :P

1. Found out why I'm stuck on a plateau - that time of the month

2. Obviously will be stuck there a few days - that time of the month requires chocolate

3. Might even gain weight - coming down with something and that means slouching on the couch

Other than that – it’s a great day

My head is banging like hell.

Feels like my eyes are crossing all the time and reading is really hard.

My desk is overflowing with papers.

I have ten thousand things I should have done today.

I definitely should have worked out today as I signed up for a mountain run this weekend (not sure that's gonna happend)

Other than that – it’s a great day 

Feel good

Although the scale hasn't moved and the pounds are still there, today has been a good day

Had a great day at work. Went golfing in the afternoon and now I'm slacking in the sofa with CSI and skinny popcorn (artificial butter taste-gotta love that) 

And all day I've felt....Skinny!!!! 

Rambling thoughts - The story of a fat girl turned skinny

(Originally posted at myproana.com)

So why am I here?

I'm not anorexic, I'm not bulimic,

Although I wear an Ana bracelet every day

You can see my collarbones and my ribs

I hardly eat anything

I envy you!

I envy you your control

I envy you the fact that you don't have to worry that if you eat something you actually will get fat (although I know you think so)

It's like I'm an recovery alcoholic though with food

I love food

I love to eat food, smell food, make food, buy food

There's almost no food I would or could not eat - a lot of

I will finish a cake if you put it in front of me

I will eat what's left in the pan when we have dinner
I'll have a starter, a main course and dessert, and then I'd stop for coffee and cake, or an ice cream on the way home

I wish I wouldn't 

I wish I didn't have to fight every day to control my self. To fight every meal the urge to just have a little bit more to eat

I wasn't obese, but I sure was on my way

I'd tried every diet, shake, you name it, to loose weight

Then I found Ana

Or the way of Ana

The control of Ana

At first I pretended I really got Ana

I pretended I had to control my eating, that the control of food was controlling me

I finally started to loose weight

My BMI started to drop from close to 30 and slowly down to 25 - 23 - 21 - 19 - 18

And you all think now, look what happened to her!
She thought Ana was a good thing and now she really got Ana

She hung around places like this and now she's really become anorexic

I didn't

I still fight every day, every meal, not to loose control

If you place a cake in front of me today you won't believe the fight I have to take on inside to stop the urge in me from eating the whole cake

But I don't binge

A binge is a momentarily slip of control

If I loose control it won't be a momentarily slip. If I start eating I won't stop

I won't eat until I puke. I don't puke from food

I tried that in the beginning but I love food to much to throw it up

I can smell the food from the kitchen right now.
Fried onions and garlic.

I wish I could just eat normal and be happy

But I don't want to be the fat cow I used to be
I don't want to be out of breath after climbing a flight of stairs
I don't want to hear my doctors warnings that my hearth is in even more danger
I don't want to go to the bathroom and be afraid to see my self in the mirror because it depresses me

So I don't eat
That's why I'm here

Up and not about...

... and that's more or less what I am right now.
Feel exhausted after last weeks work odeal. I'm not cut out for that many days in a row with than many hours at the office.

I need a life beside my work.

So right now I'm kind of low motivated, low energized, low inspiring and in desperate need of chocolate

Remember to step on the scale this morning - although that didn't actually put a smile on my face.
Seems I'm about to hit a plateau. Hate those.
In other words, I haven't lost a thing since yesterday *yuck*

And I'm cold. Freaking freezing cold.
Which I hope only means that summer is leaving and autumn coming, and not that I'm coming down with

Monday morning blues

Well. I overslept this morning and totally stressed out forgot ?? (how is that even possible) to step on my scale!
But since I've been a very good girl this weekend I imagine the numbers aren't that off yesterday's

Which means I am closing in on my goal.
I just have to stay focused a little while longer.

Perhaps I can get rid off these 4 extra pounds this week??

I'll certainly do my very best to get there!

Great Sunday

I actually exercised today!!!

Before breakfast!!

And not just a ten minute walk or something like that.

No, serious exercise 

90 minutes on my elliptical. And high impact training too

Burned off 1.000 calories before breakfast

Very impressed with my self I must say

Worse part.... I kind of feel like doing a second round right now!?

I know. I've probably lost it.

Maybe I should just enjoy it as long as it lasts :)

Birthday bomb

Sometimes I hate birthdays.

Especially when I've been as good as I have the last few days, in comes my mother in laws birthday party, with dinner, dessert and cakes.

And I know I shouldn't eat that much, but it's like I can't help my self when someone puts a whole cake in front of me. I have to take one bite. Just a little.

And I just managed three whole days without any kind of sugar or fat...

First bite I take A long time to finish, hoping to drag it out... But then we just get stuck there at the table, and it's like the bloody cake speaks to me.... Eat me! Eat me!

And I'm a good girl. I do as I'm told :P

I eat one more bite. And then a third....

And now I hate myself for being so unbelievable weak.

For caving in so easy.

Why can't I be strong and just pass??

I'm pathetic 

Another good day

Well, dinner yesterday ended on a delightful measly 120 calories
- Do like that :)
20g whole wheat pasta - 68 calories
30 g yellow peppers - 9 calories
50 g Squash - 8 calories
20 g red onion - 4 calories
1 slice (10g) of turkey topping - 15 calories
1 teaspoon of low calorie margarine - 16 calories
Salt & Pepper
Seasoned with tarragon and garlic

And with raspberries as dessert and evening snack the whole day ended on 370 calories - I'm happy!!



And with that myFitnesspal today:

Good to be back

Had a great day yesterday - only 372 calories!!
That felt so good after a weekend with lots of food and wine.

And a good cleanse left me four pounds off since yesterday and six pounds lighter than Sunday


Hope to keep this up for at least two weeks to really get down to UGW of 108 very soon!

At last I'm leaving work for today. And although I've had yet another super stressed day I'm so glad that I haven't caved and gone bananas on that big Toblerone that hides in my desk drawer.

So far only 194 calories today... wonder what I'll make my self for dinner....?

MyFitnesspal today

Back on track

After a summer vacation with lots of good food, rose wine, dining out and not caring that much since I still  feel rather thin and still look great in bikini ...
It's time to get things back on track.

So it's out with the summer habits and in with water, calorie counting and getting those pretty bones showing again

Great day yesterday - not so good today

So happy!!
I had a great day yesterday - only 537 calories and lots of water!

Unfortunately the scale showed almost two - 2 - pounds up, from yesterday to today.
So sad!!

Worse thing is that it's so extremely hard to keep motivated when you don't get any results from being so good.
Which is probably why I had no problem at all caving in and having that slice of chocolate cake with... probably ...more calories than I ate all the whole day yesterday.

Still alive...

Jeez talk about totally falling off the grid!! Well I'm still alive, and there's even more of me now then it was before the summer started.

Yuck! Yuck! Yuck!
Stupid all inclusive vacation at 5star hotel.

But most of all... stupid fucking heart going bonanza this summer.
So after numerous trips to the cardiologist..... I'm back on stupid beta blockers.
Which I hate cause they make me fat!

I actually passed 110lbs on the way down earlier this summer, before my heart went all wild.... Now I'm back at 113,5 lb. So sad - so sad.

Well - there's just one thing to do:

Created by MyFitnessPal - Free Weight Loss Tools

Time flies when you're having fun

Not sure fun is the right word though, but jeez how time flies.

May is, for all those who are not familiar with Norway, a really hectic month.

First of all, there's the 17th of May. Our constituition day. Which of course envolves the childrens parade:

And there's a lot to do before we can send the kids out in the street, especially if your kids play in the marching band...

And there's a lot of shopping going on for the right outfit for the day, although most of us wear bunad (traditional costume)

But when you've lost about 50 pounds.
Fitting in to your bunad suddenly isn't that easy. And since a bunad costs between NOK 15.000 and 35.000, also know as between $2.600 and $6.200 (£1.700 and £4.100) it's not something you shop every year.

So there I was this year. A size zero body with a size 10 bunad!
I had som serious shopping to do!

Other than my clothing issuses for our constisution day, May has been shit at work, with tons of work, which comes as a result of May having four extra holidays.
So it's been many days with long hours. And the days off has been spent golfing!